Don't even think about becoming a member of "Club Med" or "Sandals", when you can now, for a small fee become a member of "Club Repentance". Yes, you heard correctly, even you can be a member of "Club Repentance". Come and enjoy our fabulous, vacation resort. Where we'll thoroughly enjoy hosting your welcomed stay at our seaside, Italian Villa styled, 5 star, luxury hotel, the "Inn Quisition".
Here, every one of your decadent desires will be recognized and the specially indulgent treatment will surely make you feel guilty. In our hands you can forget all of your stressful, nagging indiscretions when our services literally remove them from your head.
Come stay with us and experience the deeply penetrating, therapeutic rest from sleeping upon our king sized "Bed of Nails". If you're unusually tall and have always found it troublesome to get a bed where your feet don't hang off the end? Well your nightmare vacations have just ended. Allow us to help you realize what its like to lay upon our specially made, extra long "Stretcher Beds". In fact, if you're problem is that you're too short, incredibly we can help with the exact same custom beds.
How about that nagging shoulder that's "too well" located? Well, we definitely know all about expert real estate acquisition. You know the saying, "location, location, location". We definitely built our resort on a location like no other. "Dislocation" is our specialty. You will never have to "shoulder" that burden ever again.
For those with discriminating taste and standards for which only the best and most exclusive will do. You'll be absolutely astounded at the pomp of prestigious pretense when you're atrociously attributed with a "Royally F#@%ed" status, from having stayed in one of our Presidential Assassination Suites.
We'll treat you to a truly authentically Roman, indulgent lifestyle when you get into our sunk in, floor level, jacuzzi-style hot bath. Just jump, or be insistently assisted, right into our pot of boiling oil. You'll feel that dreadfully dragging drudgery of your hectically harassing heresy just melt away from your bones.
Also, make sure to visit our delightful day Spa. Where the delight truly belongs to our wonderfully skilled, hooded misogynist. Delighted, due to his being of service while he's misogyn you with a "deep tissue" application. Yes, he will indeed get deep into your tissue with wonderfully effective devices of fleshly purification. You'll feel yourself a completely new person with all that toxically blasphemous tissue done away with.
Do you feel like an old, neglected and dilapidated house that's just falling apart? Well then, just sit right down upon our sharply designed "chair of nails". Guaranteed, we'll put you back together again. If that's not quite enough, then we certainly won't despair. For we are confident that one or more of our nearly infinite array of "compressors", "pressurizers", "squeezers", "crunchers" "smashers" or "compactors" will definitely get the job done. The additional benefits you'll receive from having the devotion detracting devilishness oozing out of you from every conceivable and inconceivable place, are completely complimentary.
Come downstairs to mingle amongst other guests and experience a little social humiliation at our dimly lit, sultry seaside lounge, the "Dungeness Crab Dungeon". Sit at the bar and our medieval, alchemist bar keeper will woo you with wizardry when he concocts something special just for you. Perhaps, our signature "Throne Grabber" on the rocks? A masterful mixture of deliciously deadly libations that have enabled the acquisition of more thrones than you'll ever believe.
We truly ecstatically enjoy seeing our guests receiving all of our pleasurably applied, perdition purging treatments from our many coldly calculated, "Caligula" created contraptions. As well as from our "Nero" neurotically inspired, detestably deviant, diabolical devices.
If you find that you can't read the excessively lengthy, fine print of your membership contract. Then you should simply confide in us when we tell you, "we're not worried, so neither should you be". In fact, its just perfect that way. Since that's exactly the reason why we print them in Latin "ONLY"! Please, we insist.
Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to become a member of "Club Repentance". You'll merely be sorry if you do, but you'll be amazingly, deeply repentant if you don't.
Here, every one of your decadent desires will be recognized and the specially indulgent treatment will surely make you feel guilty. In our hands you can forget all of your stressful, nagging indiscretions when our services literally remove them from your head.
Come stay with us and experience the deeply penetrating, therapeutic rest from sleeping upon our king sized "Bed of Nails". If you're unusually tall and have always found it troublesome to get a bed where your feet don't hang off the end? Well your nightmare vacations have just ended. Allow us to help you realize what its like to lay upon our specially made, extra long "Stretcher Beds". In fact, if you're problem is that you're too short, incredibly we can help with the exact same custom beds.
How about that nagging shoulder that's "too well" located? Well, we definitely know all about expert real estate acquisition. You know the saying, "location, location, location". We definitely built our resort on a location like no other. "Dislocation" is our specialty. You will never have to "shoulder" that burden ever again.
For those with discriminating taste and standards for which only the best and most exclusive will do. You'll be absolutely astounded at the pomp of prestigious pretense when you're atrociously attributed with a "Royally F#@%ed" status, from having stayed in one of our Presidential Assassination Suites.
We'll treat you to a truly authentically Roman, indulgent lifestyle when you get into our sunk in, floor level, jacuzzi-style hot bath. Just jump, or be insistently assisted, right into our pot of boiling oil. You'll feel that dreadfully dragging drudgery of your hectically harassing heresy just melt away from your bones.
Also, make sure to visit our delightful day Spa. Where the delight truly belongs to our wonderfully skilled, hooded misogynist. Delighted, due to his being of service while he's misogyn you with a "deep tissue" application. Yes, he will indeed get deep into your tissue with wonderfully effective devices of fleshly purification. You'll feel yourself a completely new person with all that toxically blasphemous tissue done away with.
Do you feel like an old, neglected and dilapidated house that's just falling apart? Well then, just sit right down upon our sharply designed "chair of nails". Guaranteed, we'll put you back together again. If that's not quite enough, then we certainly won't despair. For we are confident that one or more of our nearly infinite array of "compressors", "pressurizers", "squeezers", "crunchers" "smashers" or "compactors" will definitely get the job done. The additional benefits you'll receive from having the devotion detracting devilishness oozing out of you from every conceivable and inconceivable place, are completely complimentary.
Come downstairs to mingle amongst other guests and experience a little social humiliation at our dimly lit, sultry seaside lounge, the "Dungeness Crab Dungeon". Sit at the bar and our medieval, alchemist bar keeper will woo you with wizardry when he concocts something special just for you. Perhaps, our signature "Throne Grabber" on the rocks? A masterful mixture of deliciously deadly libations that have enabled the acquisition of more thrones than you'll ever believe.
We truly ecstatically enjoy seeing our guests receiving all of our pleasurably applied, perdition purging treatments from our many coldly calculated, "Caligula" created contraptions. As well as from our "Nero" neurotically inspired, detestably deviant, diabolical devices.
If you find that you can't read the excessively lengthy, fine print of your membership contract. Then you should simply confide in us when we tell you, "we're not worried, so neither should you be". In fact, its just perfect that way. Since that's exactly the reason why we print them in Latin "ONLY"! Please, we insist.
Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to become a member of "Club Repentance". You'll merely be sorry if you do, but you'll be amazingly, deeply repentant if you don't.
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