Jalalabadian Bad Burgers

"Welcome to Bad Mans Jalalabadian Bad Burgers, may I give you orders"!
"Hello Bad Man, Is this the Bad Burgers Tent drive through"?
Yes, you are in correct drive through for tent burgers.
O.K., what is a Jalalabadian Peanut Butter and Jalala Bean Burger?
No, never mind, what is a Jalalabadian Bad Burger?
Its a burger with bad meat patty!
Meat gone bad?
Yes, refrigeration no work very good in desert. Meat go bad, but I buy, so I must still sell.
Uhh, what is a Sand Burger?
When no rain in desert for very long time, not many animals. Must use most abundant resource. Sand Burger made with sand patty.


What about drinks, do you have any drinks?
Yes, for $2.25 we have Jalalabadian Well Water.
Oh, thats great, water from a well, right?
Well, no not exactly well.
What do you mean? Why is it called Well Water?
Because when customer ask, I say, "Well".......no not exactly well water". It is water from a mirage.
A mirage? But a mirage is merely an illusion.
Yes, but the water is authentic Jalalabadian cuisine that way.
So you mean that for $2.25 I get an empty cup?
For $2.25 I fill to the top with Mirage well water. If you don't want mirage well water, I must still charge you for cup.


For an additional $ 1.75, I have ice.
Oh, well thats good, if I get a full cup of ice it will melt and I can still drink water. But why is it so expensive?
Ice making machine don't want to work with mirage well water. It won't make ice, so I must import ice from Italy.
You have Italian Ice? They must import it in refrigerated containers right?
Well no, they put it on a barge and float it to Beirut, then bring here on camel.
On camel? how do they keep it frozen?
Well, it not frozen. It melt on barge, then on camel ice evaporates.
"Evaporates"? Do you mean there's nothing left of it?
Well, yes but it is very exquisite, imported ice from Italy. Very very good ice.


So you're telling me that for $4. 00, I still get an empty cup.
No no no, you get Mirage Well Water with Italian Ice. If you wish for straw, I must charge extra.
How much and what are the details on the straws?
A straw is only $ .75 It take very much work to make.
You make them? How do you make them?
We take mud out of earthworm and dry worm in sun until it make straw. If you want lid, it is $1.00 with rubber band. We take camel foreskin and stretch over top of cup. Then make hole for straw and rubber band hold it on cup.
So for $5.75 I get an earthworm and a foreskin?
In this remote place of desert, things very expensive. Very far to transport ingredients.


What about the Desecration Burger, and the Double Desecration Burger. What are those made with?
Oh yes, very, very good. Desecration Burger has slice of American Cheese. American presence is why it is desecrated. Double burger has two slices of American cheese, so it is two times desecrated. A Jalalabadian Bad Burger's "Double Desecration Burger"
Is it made with the Bad Meat Patty?
Of course, we only use most authentic Jalalabadian burger ingredients. We do not slaughter camels for eating. Only if camel dies naturally then we make patty.


What about French Fries, do you have any French Fries?
No French Fries! Only Jalalabadian Bad Fries!
In desert, the environment is different only above ground. Under ground, environment is same everywhere. So we can grow potatoes here behind burger tent. But sand very dry, so when we take potato out of ground it is like kettle potato chips.
Oh thats good, so I can have potato chips, right?
No, chips are not fries. We still have to put in hot oil to make real fries.
So what are they like after the oil?
Very much like......aaah how do you say? Ah yes, very much like coal.
"Coal"? Can I instead just keep my money and be on my way without buying anything?
Of course! But why don't you want to eat my food? What is wrong with my food? I am starting to feel very, very OFFENDED!

St. Simian Selection of the Tree Descention

St. Simian Selection of the Tree Descention
Part 1

Here is a record of scientists speaking in regards to Evolution
and my personal take on all the
Monkey Business!

The concept of natural selection by survival of the fittest is the basic evolutionary mechanism. This concept does not qualify as a scientific principle, since fitness is equivalent to survival. Here we have a case of circular reasoning; According to this idea, organisms have survived because they are better fit, and the way one tells they are better fit is that they survive. A number of evolutionary scholars have labeled the principle of survival of the fittest a tautology. Here, one of them attacks the unfalsifiable nature of the concept and concludes:

If, more especially, we accept that statistical definition of fitness which defines fitness by actual survival, then the survival of the fittest becomes tautological, and irrefutable.

Here a prominent Geneticist evaluates the matter of fecundity. He states:

Natural selection, which was at first considered as though it were a hypothesis that was in need of experimental or observational confirmation, turns out on closer inspection to be a tautology, a statement of inevitable although previously unrecognized relation. It states that the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave most offspring) will leave most offspring.

Well, we certainly can't have all that dizzying circulation going on, can we? Therefor, I've decided that instead of everybody running around and around like a bunch of mangy, flea-bitten mongrels chasing their own tails. That we shall have of a new principle.

The
"Purgative Principle of Previously Postulated,
Pensative Preposterousness"

New Principle ~ (the principle of Evo - Jackass identification)
Discovered by ~ Me
Established ~ Just Now
By the Authority Vested in Me from ~
Anti-Jackass Necessities of Grave Necessitations

This principle of Infinitesimally Indefinite Definitive Definitions,
shall be defined "only" as ~ All those who believe that:
the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave most offspring) will leave most offspring.

Are to be considered, upon the establishment of this principle, (now) a "Jackass".
Made evident by the simple fact that they are a Jackass.
Since the fact is simply that they are a Jackass,
makes it evidentially conclusive that they are a Jackass.

This principle is unquestionably, unanimously universal
and indisputably, intentionally irreversible.
For a Jackass is a Jackass, is a Jackass, is a Jackass.
Proved by the fact that he is a Jackass !

Another problem associated with the untestability of evolutionary theory is that the theory explains too much. As pointed out here, saying that "whatever might at first sight appear as evidence against the theory is assimilated by redefinition into the theory."

Fuck'n Aay Jack!
You got that shit right!
Check it out,
Jackass conducted assimilations, assisted by assenting associates. In assigning an assortment of unrelated items to a unifying assembly of fallaciously assured evidential assets. Astoundingly, they assert that their assessments are not mere assumptions. While anyone assiduously dissenting is assaulted by asinine, Jackass assailants on a mission of assassination.

Evolutionary theory is broad enough to accommodate almost any data that may be applied. Two ecologists emphasize this. They state:

Our theory of evolution has become, as Popper described, one which cannot be refuted by any possible observations. Every conceivable observation can be fitted into it. It is thus 'outside of empirical science' but not necessarily false. No one can think of ways in which to test it.

"Can't think of ways to test it"? Oh no no no, I can think of ways!
I can think of wondrously wonderful ways to conduct tremendously effective, top level, tower tossing tests. Tests that would produce torrents of titanic testimonials. As a matter of fact, I just now happened to find one in my toteable "Tester's Bag of Tricks".

The only thing that is required now, is for the supportively sponsoring patrons of "testings". To send me the generously endowed, tantamount to tremendous amounts, of "testing funds". As well as one of those Jackasses that thinks he's on his way to not being a Jackass anymore........someday.

After that, its "tests away", right off the roof of a skyscraper. If it is observed that he failed to mutate his ass some wings on the way down, in accordance with "Punctuated Equilibrium" (since neither we, nor he, have the time to be fooling around with the multi-million year life insurance plan) Thus, resulting in that he merely provided yet another observable instance of "Newtonian Physics" in action. Producing the undeniable, empirical data of his devolutionary descent into a primordial soup-like splatter on the sidewalk.

At that point, it may be assertively concluded that not only was the theory tested. But also that the test subject must have not lit enough candles in honor of St. Simian Selection of the Tree Descention. Thus, causing the theory to fail the test.......fatally!

Afterwards, since I would have successfully completed my rigidly accurate and approvably applaudable application of the "scientific method". During which, it was observably, measurably, and (if you send more Jackasses) also repeatedly proved beyond the shadow of a doubt. That discovered was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Showing that the test subject failed to Teenage Mutant Ninja his ass some survival wings. Thus, displaying his inability to morphologically develop the desperately needed, extinction evading, "survivability" fitness. Which was ruthlessly demanded of him, by his drastically changed and rapidly approaching concrete environment.

No matter what is observed, there usually is an appropriate evolutionary explanation for it.

Maybe they can appropriately apply an inappropriately interpreted evolutionary explanation for the survival of most species in most places. However, nobody can appropriately or inappropriately, scientifically or theologically explain how a human organism survives in South Central L.A.

Not even Richard Dawkins can imaginatively think up an explanation that spicy.
Well, maybe, but only if you turn off the camera first!

If an organ or organism develops, it has positive survival value;
It has a Glock and an AR-15 also

If it degenerates, it has negative survival value.
It probably had "Dayton's", just before it stopped surviving

If a complex biological system appears suddenly, it is due to preadaptation.
If a complex appears suddenly, its an apartments one.
Due to premature ejaculation. Not pre-adoption!

"Living fossils" (contemporary representatives of organisms expected to be extinct) survive because the environment did not change.
You ain't lie'n Jack!
Survivors whom everyone expected to get "capped".
Survived although the environment did not change.
But only because "they" changed............their address to another environment.

If the environment changes and an evolutionary lineage survives, it is due to adaptation.
Whether the environment changes or not, and if "anyone" survives, it's due to a "miracle

"If the lineage dies, it is because the environment changed too much, etc.
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit", you Jive Turkey Motherfucker!
If the lineage dies, its cuz "The Man" wanted it that way

Hence the concept cannot be falsified
That's right, you know I ain't jive'n your ass!

Two Snow Whites!

"What's On The Environment"?

"Shit On The Environment"!
This century's crap & how to clean it up!

One day, I was asked the question,
"What can be done to help improve
the condition of the environment"?
In a nutshell, my answer was,
There's
"Shit On It"!

The version of my answer for which in all the world,
there doesn't exist a nutshell,
big enough to stuff it into.
Is presented here.


There's a big stink being made, over one of the biggest
problems which the green of the earth's face, faces in the 21st century.
It's perhaps the worlds number 1 environmental problem
and it consists of a shit-load of number 2.

This unsightly issue, worthy of much tissue.
Threatens to cover earth's green face in a mask,
unavailable at any Swedish Spa.
A muddy facial of sludgy, pasty, "kaka" brown.

The incredibly vast, seemingly never ending,
mountainous amounts of human defecation on the Earth.
Usually achieves it's greatest degree of accumulation,
wherever humans can be found living.
It especially likes to "log jam" along the foothills.
Since human defecation has the amazingly uncanny ability
to "roll down hill".

One possible solution is for the world's human population
to just simply stop eating. However, this proposal,
which is surprisingly popular amongst many environmentalists.
Is not without it's drawbacks. Chief amongst them, is the
slightly annoying, thus far unsolved, problematic fact.
Of that everyone will "die"!

Another possible solution, but one much less
popular amongst environmentalists.
Is for science and technology to develop
"Eatable Air".

However, it would have to be air that is not only eatable,
but also capable of providing the earth's entire human population
with a level of nutrition which would make air the chosen solution.

If it's to be selected above the third proposed, possible solution.
It's proponents being many U.S. federal politicians and
Wall Street investors alike. The plan is to just simply make McDonald's
the only food source available to the entire population on earth.

Those driving this proposal have even agreed to throw a bonus
in the deal. A bonus for humanity which would be made possible
by the sheer volume of Big Macs that would be sold world wide.

They have promised to make available,
kid's "Happy To Be Eating" meals.
They'll be available in all, previously starving to death,
"third world" Countries...........................only
"Free of Charge"............................
with every purchase of four adult "combination meals"..............
mail in "Rebate" required..........................
mail to U.S. corporate headquarters............................
only "First Class" air mail accepted...................

"That's It"!,
"It's That Easy"!


However, the proposed McDonald's "solution" has faced some eye
opening,well informed criticism from noted humanitarian groups.
As well as opposition from environmentalists, who claim that the
styrofoam box, Big Mac packaging will essentially replace the worlds
geological landscapes. Simply by covering the entire earth.

However, the humanitarians argued that,
consideringthe health and nutritional values of Big Mac's.
The currently starving segments of the earths population,
would face better odds of surviving with a continuation of
famished conditions. Noting that under starving conditions,
they will at least live an average of 5 to 7 years longer.
Also, that those were extremely generous, conservative estimates.

Many of the worlds leading doctors are convinced of that to just
simply make Big Mac's permanently unavailable to starving humans.
After having given the "golden arch" burger to them for 1 week.
Is alone, such an enormous health and nutritional benefit,
that they may live as long as anybody on earth.
On just a steady diet of pure starvation after that.

They said that the greatest obstacle in achieving
this kind of longevity amongst the starving,
especially after the indulgently corruptive effects of eating
Big Mac's for a week. Is the difficulty of applying the degree of
discipline required, to maintain a "starvation" only diet.

Making the humanitarians' case even stronger,
was their reminder of that a solution to the problem of
"global human defecation pollution".
Is the foremost, if not the only,
reason for the summit meeting and it's discussions.
Adding that, "starvation", is more beneficial than Big Mac's,
in this area as well.

After that, with the proposed McDonald's solution, pretty much put away
like a "Hamburglar" thats been gang tackled by a mob of arresting citizens.
The focus went back to the "eatable air" possible solution.

Many doubted that air, even if made eatable,
would be nutritionally adequate. While at the same time,
producing an exit waste which is equivalent in its solid material content,
to the amount which it contained as air, prior to it's consumption.

Of which, as we all know, "air" contains no amount of solid material.
With the single exception of a very particular air.
An air which has long baffled and perplexed physicists
with its unique ability to defy gravity.
While blanketing Los Angeles, Ca.

It appears as if though, even if science and technology does indeed
manage to produce this magically invisible food source.
That still, Los Angeles will have much shit to deal with.
Not to mention, that they will still continue to have much
"human defecation pollution"
to to deal with also.

Many scientists have long believed that the successful
development of eatable air. Would be the most "ideal"
solution to a number of current global problems.

The main reason why the development and production of eatable
air is extremely attractive to experts and officials. Is because air,
is extremely abundant and always readily available.
Which is due to the fact, that air can be found
throughout all countries of the world in great quantities.
Also, it can be obtained cheaply. Unless of course,
it's ordered as an after market upgrade on most imports.

Once again, the only area of concern to scientists and the officials
of the world's governments, in regards to eatable air, is Los Angeles.
Amongst that air, the main foreseeable problem would be that
of the air in the South Central area of Los Angeles.

Scientists say that what troubles them, are the extremely great amounts
of "audible" pollution in that air. That particular air is of particular
concerndue to it's loud, dense concentration of "rap" supposed music.

The scientists' and officials' fear is derived from the history of
South Central L.A.'s authorities inability to put a dent in the
crime levels of the area. Thus resulting in a very unusual reaction to
the problem by those authorities. Which has been their retreating
conclusion as to what might be the cause of the area's
"unstoppable crime" phenomena. The unanimously accepted
assumption amongst the experts, is that there's just
"something in the air" down there.

This astonishing disclosure by authorities and experts in many fields,
has revealed their concern. The concern is in regards to that particular
air being made eatable. Since it's new form would enable the easily
achievable transport of the dangerous air in a nearly endless variety of
ways. Resulting in the possibility of that air could officially become "contraband". In effect, that would be a scenario in which
air would be "illegal" to possess.

The dangerous, crime inducing, rap polluted, South Central air,
could easily end up all over the world in almost no time at all.
The ensuing global catastrophe would be one of uncontrollable
crime waves and completely chaotic total anarchy.

Including things such as global assaults, armed robbery, gang presence,
drive-by shootings and murder committed in no less than the 3rd degree.
But usually in much higher degrees, since the terrifying terribleness
of the situation would certainly cause the invention of murder
committed in much higher degrees than the mere 3rd.

Some fear it can even reach the 8th or 9th degree.
Although they currently don't even have a clue
as to what that kind of murder even is,
or what it might look like. They just know that it's
really, really, really, really bad!
When translated into everyday English,
all of that fancy lawyer talk means that it's
really, really, really, really not good!

But don't hastily rush to conclude that if it were under such
circumstances, the world might still have a ray of hope. Since many
leading authorities strongly believe that in addition to those devastating
effects, the South Central air may also spawn the global proliferation
of "Dirty, Nasty Ho's". As well as the world's male population engaging in
the wildly popular"Ghetto Fabulous" practice of "Pimp'n Out Of Control".
Even worse yet, is that countless multitudes of people
may also be taking things "Off The Hook"!

A globe engulfing horrific nightmare of that magnitude,
would mean that places like a small, picturesque, two cow,
family owned dairy farm in the middle of the Swiss Alps.
Could be the scene of a string of events in which the middle aged husband/father might come up to the "crib", "rolling hard"
on his Dayton clad Swiss tractor. All the while blazing a "fat blunt"
as his "beeatch" comes running through the field talk'n bout
how their teenage daughter ran off with her "pimp'n" thug boyfriend
to get pregnant........... "again".
Also, they took the Glock 9mm.
Not to mention, the entire inventory of dads favorite,
"purple" Kool-Aid!

However, there is a potentially bright side to having "eatable air" in the
world. Since the possible development and production of eatable air
would have an extremely beneficial effect upon the problem of
"global human defecation pollution". Since after the air would be eaten
and digested. The entire population of people on the planet would
do nothing more than just simply...........................
"pass air"!

Dances With Hoochies While Wing'n It

Today, I heard a commentary in regards to a recent string of
Kevin Costner Box Office Bombs.
Perhaps, the plots have been all wrong?
Perhaps, the story needs to be of a man who

"Dances With Hoochies To Oldies"

That story goes something like this,

Setting: Urban
Period: Modern day USA

One day, an agent of the U.S. government from the eastern part of the country, was sent to Southern California on horseback.
He arrived at his destination in the wee hours of a still darkened morning.
Thus, not a soul was to be seen anywhere. It seemed as though it was a deserted ghost metropolis of never ending asphalt and concrete.
Soon after, he found himself upon the all dirt, grassless front yard of an abandoned, boarded up, condemned, inner city, ghetto house.

He decides this must be the inconspicuously discreet abode of which his commander had explained, would be the provided base of operations.
Through the side gate and in the backyard, he finds a pen which had obviously been previously used to raise and contain
Pit Bulls and fighting cocks.
It would suffice to corral his horse.

Making his way inside, and after putting a match to a candle. He begins to find evidence left behind by his fallen fellow agents whom had been staked out there years before. The evidence was their dried blood from after having been gunned down by the local gang.
The many condom wrappers all over the floor were evidence of that the local teenagers had been staked out there also.

Dawn broke, and then did also three more weeks worth of dawns. Still, no action and no word from headquarters. The only thing he could hear during all that time was the loud sounds of celebrations with blaring trumpets, accordions and tubas during what seemed like every sleepless night. The sound of foreign music, sung in Spanish was so loud that he could hardly hear the nightly neighborhood activities involving gunshots.

Then one day as he was pulling some weeds out back. His horse, being a mare, pissed out the back side and all over him. Soon there after he had taken off all his clothes and was washing down with the garden hose. When suddenly he heard the unmistakable sound of "Cherry Bomb" low rider mufflers. It had to be members of the gang who had gunned down the agents who had previously been staked out there.

Grabbing his pistol he runs out front just as the blinding reflections of rolling sunlight sharply penetrated his eyes after mirroring off of the huge metal flake paint job that made the car look like a giant, wet Dorado jumping out of the ocean while hooked on a fishing line. A dazzling array of colorful mirrored lights that dizzied him until he suddenly found himself with a a multitude of gun muzzles sticking out of the windows and staring him in the face.

Again, his attention was bewilderingly drawn away from the impending danger of the guns. This time not from the colorful mirrored sunlight, nor from the voices coming from within the car saying,
"what the fuck is up with this crazy white boy standing outside all naked like that"? "If my Jefita sees him, I'm going to blast his ass!"
But rather, from the naked Aztec princess with the big giant titties, layed out all over the rear deck of the car.

Finally, between jumping Dorados with hydraulics and chromed spokes and naked pre-Colombian princesses. It proved to be too much cultural shock all at once. He was overcome and fainted right there on the front dirt lawn, in the middle of the hood, butt ass naked with a gun in his hand.

To make a long story short, eventually he convincingly becomes a "white" Mexican American, complete with a palm hair brush, plenty of grey or black shirts, ironed, creased denim pants and the big mustache which he already had. You can say, the mustache was "pre-fab".

Then, while sitting around one day with the elder "Homies" of his gang as they smoked a piece of substance. He noticed a likewise, "White" Mexican American, who happened to be a female and a sexy Hoochie Momma.

The big booty Hoochie, depressed from having been an innocent bystander, years earlier as a 4 yr. old, who was kidnapped by the gang from the hood where she lived and where they had just completed a drive-by. They took her and raised her since she had been left standing on the sidewalk, an orphan after the drive by had killed her parents and everybody else who had been at the front yard birthday party.

It was a really good party, complete with blue tarps, baloons, an inflatable jumper, Birria, beans and rice and Mariachis too. Oh yea, and a big plastic thing full of Budweiser and ice.

She was saved by agent Homie as she attempted to inject a pound of Heroine, when he heroically hurls his ass into the line of fire and intercepts the injection with his left butt cheek. Now, his ass is mad........... about the Hoochie Momma so he marries her "after" a long and painful withdrawal.

Months later, after much fellowship(gang affiliation) while enjoying many tacos and many 30 packs of Budweiser. As a result of he being helplessly seduced by the charming lure of the culturally rich, Mexican way of life........and the big booty Hoochies in the hood. It is inevitably discovered by his former employers at the FBI, that he has defected to a life of loud "drug-smuggler" ballads, Hood Rats and drive-by's.

Finally, as he's confronted by an FBI raid conducted in his gangs turf. In defense of his newly acquired, and beloved, extensively extended Mexican family. He makes that fateful turn onto the road of "no going back", as he blasts a team of agents with a sawed off shotgun.

And they "cruised" happily ever after!

Volleyball Vixens, Venison, Veal & Vodka

Part 3 of the
Titillating Trilogy
Which had been preceded
by
Torturous Interrogations
and
Tittle-Tattling with Tortoises


Practices borrowed from Eejipt, Gordin, and Sowdy Araybeea; and the Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape program that had been created during the primordial cave dwelling period,
as were most other still active
Terro-Head Chopper practices. Such as, the required,
(on pain of declitorization, amongst other anatomical parts) female attire, which is starch-stiff, staunchly restricted to
Thermo-Nuclear High Temperature Torture Chambers.
(Available in a wide and varied selection of colors and sizes)

Colors : (Black)
Sizes : (All-Consuming)

This grievously, ghastly Get-up, is the grizzly, gory, gash griller, gorilla costume of a garment that is worn even when going about their daily chores. Such as water retrieving traveling tasks of tremendously taunting treks, traversing across seemingly endless vast, virtual vistas during vexing, vertigo-inducing voyages. Valiantly visiting the vicinities of vested vandals, vagrants and vigilante villains, whom are visibly, victims of a vegetarian villages' volunteer veterinarians' violently vengeful vendetta vasectomy. They,vying like vicious,verminous vultures with voracious appetites. Volleying a voluminous vomiting of vigorous but vain ventilations of vehemently vile, verbal violations, as if they were voted vertebra voltage vibrations from a vigilantly vocalized, virtuoso violinists' vivid, vibrant verses.

Our vicariously veiled, vagabond venturers with veneered, vulnerable vision, vexing like a vindicative viscous voodoo virus.Vacillatingly veer through venues of void, vertical valleys, vaguely vacated by veritably vanquished vindicated Vietnamese Vaseline vendors, vacationing to Viennese Villas, and viewing their Vatican version, Vicar-vouched Visas as verified by Venetians with violas, piloting Venus' violet vehicles at velocities venerated by vulgar vocabulary, vintage Vette driving, vernacularly gifted ventriloquist Vikings with V-necks and visors. Chasing variegated velvet upholstered voyeurs' vans to be used as vessels for Venezuelan vineyard vinaigrette, and vital vaccines,
vowed to be used versus a very virulent version of vipers' venom
from a last vestige of vampires.


In the midst of all this,
still they endured volcanically vicious, volatile
vaginal vinegar vaporizing, varicose vein making,
VHF XXX Video Viewing,
Hell-uv-ah Hell-Bent Hellacious Heat.

Which was on the verge of victoriously vanishing the vivacious and
virtuously vogue, voluptuous virgins. As they aspired to be
vocational volleyball vixens, enjoying venison, veal and vodka.

The End

Osama's Been Laden with Foreign Policy!

I was once asked the question;
What Is Osama Bin Ladens Foreign Policy?
The following is my answer!



To impose heavy tariffs on all foreign automobiles imported into Tora Bora, which will be sold at the local auto cave dealerships. Including the many dealers which use marketing gimmicks designed to convey the appearance of that excitement and festive celebration is taking place at the dealership. They give a promise of that a party is going on. Gimmicks such as giant inflatable, decapitated, infidels. Used to lure the many local would be, "purchaser" goat traders.

These tariffs will protect the local, domestic camel trading post industry. Tora Boras camel breeding and manufacturing industry has, in recent times, been greatly affected from a huge slump in Camel trade "sales".

Bin Laden is adamant about his decision, since having determined that the camel hump, sales slump is due to the popularity of the technologicaly advanced, computer controled, Japanese made, mechanical camels.

The regions population of terro-training camp, camel enthusiasts, have been said to be "head over red & white checkered table cloths" about Japans recent "bio-techno-breeding" advances. They have resulted in the new generation of "Mechano-Camels" that are equipped with the latest "Techno-Camel" contraptions which excel in the area of off road camel traction and stability.

The optionally available, camouflaged "Camobile", is delivered complete with gun mounts on the hump which are especially designed to accommodate the AK-47. However, since the chambering of one more round into the AK will not be the one to break any camels back. This beasts success has really been due to the terro-mountain terrain, conquering abilities of the new "four camel toe", drive system.

With camel "automobio-tech" innovations like these from Japan, Tora Boras domestic, camel breeding, production dusty corral plants. Which were already looking at a terrifying,(even to terrorists) dauntingly looming, mother of all camel humps, sales slump. A slump of who's hump was already one of which it was highly improbable that it would be overcome. But more likely to leave the regions hump vendors in a terrible terro-camp sales slump dump.........forever!

This collapse of the small region's meek, "reek n stink", spit fling'n, camel breeding industry is inevitable. Even when one takes into consideration, that the one single most attractive, selling point feature of the domestic Tora Bora camels is their legendary fuel efficiency. One which Averages 25mpg(mountain peaks per gulp) even on low grade, third world, Islamo-fascist government, Muslim country water.

Though historically, this has been a strong selling point. It is now being one-up'd by the Japanese camels' amazing 8mpg(men per gunner) killing average. In Tora Bora, kills are valued much more that mountain peaks traversed. Thus, 8 is far greater than 25 according to the reasoning and mathematics of a terro-camp trainee.

This holds true, even though the watering hole, fuel gulping "stations", are often times little more than a "camel reclaim" refill. However, camel reclaim is quite pleasing to the regions camel enthusiast, AK jousting jockey's. Who's non-existent checkbooks, benefit from the additional efficiency attained through the recycling of this most precious resource/fuel.

An additional problem is that regions water is often times polluted with munitions materials. Due to the many camps which house, or cave, many terro-trainees who go fishing with shoulder mounted rocket launchers. Fishing methods which gave rise to the local peoples entertainment mockeries. Telling of how, if the enthusiasts were as efficient as their camels. They might average considerably more than the usual, 2 Bluegills and a not so innocent bystander, per rocket.
The Japanese Robo-Camel companies launched a clever marketing campaign, making use of Tora Bora's already existent communications industry. The industry consisting of cave production, propaganda threat and successful terro-activity celebration videos. As well as the various media outlets which produce and distribute the regions wildly popular, "Piously Grateful", decapitation videos.

Not satisfied with just video, the strategy also included audio commercials, heard throughout the region seven times a day. Blaring out from the consistently and repeatedly placed authoritarian loud speakers, which are reminiscent of the sensationalist speaking, Soviet "screamers".

Commercials were heard at the tail end of the usual announcements and were presented as the sponsorship which made possible the calls for the peoples gathering to commence the "Initiation of Prostration" at the "Head-bangers" ground pounder palace.

Not failing to consider all of the possible "brain busting" buyers, Japan's "Camevehicular" manufacturers had announced the soon to come, variations of the all-terrain "Terro-Transporter". Whereas early production models were designed with the young, energetic, performance demanding, reckless abandon of the exuberantly explosive, future fanatics sport'n TNT vests.

The newly announced models will be targeting the slightly less youthful, more reserved, less danger seeking head chopper, and or, school bus bomber. One whom might have himself proudly procreated a half dozen or so, little terrors in their terrible 2's, 3's, 4's, 5's, 6's......................75's

Japan's manufacturers, knowing that the terror never ends, will be exporting brand spank'n and spit'n new camels to Tora Bora's livestock trading posts. Arriving will be the first wave of family sedan, two hump configuration models. Just to never let them forget that it was all of those humps which got them into that predicament in the first place.

With the cameo appearance of Japans camoflauged "Mechano-Camo-Camels", producing performance numbers like the terrifically "Terro-Impressive" 8mpg. Its not surprising that Tora Bora's cave dwelling, camel consumers have vowed, made oaths, and sworne, even upon the sandy graves of their own future celebrity, Super Suic-Star Martyrdom Status. That they would ensure themselves possession of the "Land of the Rising Sun's", "Infadel Anhialators". Even if they themselves had to piss on them.

Despite all of their woeful water issues, and the rigors of on the job demands. Still the all-terrain, terro-transporters continue to dependably deliver all the performance neccesary to provide their anonymously masked masters with the off duty enjoyment of leisurely pass-times. Including desert race classics like:
The Desert Dwellers', Daily Double Header, Better Beheader.
The Sicker Saber Slasher, Killer Stick, Pick Six,
and the all time psychofascist favorite,
The "Are Those Really, Eighty Isreali?",
"You Pick Nine, The Rest Are Mine"!

Part 2) From Titillating Torture, To Tittle-Tattle About Tinkering With Tortoises

Apparently, the synchronized bobbling
was inspired and induced from
the greatest hits albums that were being
"ElectroMagTorturously"-"RadiaFatBroadTelecastiated"

from what must have been something of a revisited and perfected, (circa.W.W.II) Japanese "Death Ray"
kind of a transmissional contraption.

A favorite tool and toy of torture regimes,
past and present.

According to Earnest Ness,
since the CIA (clowns in action)
had almost no trained "In-terror-Gators"
they simply mimed Vietnam-era,
tortoise breeding programs.
Which may have been better off left to the
"Ass-Masterful-Of It" devices
(amongst other deviantly dangerous devices)
of the FBI (Flame'n Boys of Internalized organs).

However, it was decided that since any clown
would be a highly accomplished and
extremely talented mime.
While the latter mentioned, treacherously cut-throat,
ladder climbers were decided upon
as being riskily more inclined to circumnavigate
the circumcisingly painful character reconstruction
that would be required of them if they were
to accomplish the objective.

An ominous objective which would require seemingly infinite, intergalactically unimaginably unfathomable & universally perplexing, mathematically unattainably impossible quantities of ridiculously pure
unadulterated, unadolescenterated, uninfanteraded
& even un-old-farterated abilities
to fuck off and clown around.

However, the Flame'n Boys of Internalized Organs
were legendarily fabled for their soberingly serious

"Masterful Ass-Masterizing".

Also, tortoises have been known to react with
hostility when confronted by "Heterophobia".

Not to mention, that tortoises instinctively seem to
know that extremely high levels of intelligence are
required of all humans involved
in tortoise breeding programs.

Tortoises also know of the mere myth status
of any so called, "Homogeneous".
They understand the existence of only "Heterogenius".

Therefore, the nod was given in favor of those
who can spit a paper wad............"Brilliant"!

Also, one can imagine how the Clowns In Action(CIA),
with their Big,Big,Big, Red,

Enormously Massive, Throbbingly Engorged

clown noses and shoes, might be severely hindered
in the "tortoise breeding" phase of the mission.

Not to mention, the excessively extensive amount
of problems that would be caused by their
shriekingly blinding, ridiculously saturated hue of
"Achtung Orange" on their excessively proportioned,
vintage 1978,
"Giant Orange Clown Hair".
scientifically known as

(Gigantimus Citrusimus Afrotium)

Besides, It is already well known,
scientifically proved, inspiringly Empire State sized,
empirical fact that tortoises can't survive
in the desert heat if they have
even the slightest bit more
than their usual amount of
Curly, Achtung Orange, Giant, Afro Hair!

Part 1) Titillatingly Torturous Interrogations

The following is a total reconstruction and mangling of an excerpt from a news story printed in the Washington Post. A story which was revisited by yours truly, but not truly yours. You can say, it was edited by the newly self appointed, "Eddie-tor in Chief" !



We join, midway through a narrated account of the establishment of torturous interrogation programs.

The most striking aspect of Earnest Ness' report, is the extent to which the supposed interrogators, more fittingly described as, the
"in-terror-gators" who invented the torture programs at certain shadowy, darkened sites. Then remotely applied them from there also. Had done so, wholly, and unholy while "bobbing on the fly".

While the abuse and the "bobbing", had most certainly been rigorous and systematic, apparently no rigorous or systematic thought was produced in the supposed to be larger head. Which seems to have been "bobbed" and "bobbled" in synchronized harmony with the "afore-skinned" mentioned "bobbing" and "bobbling" head, of a particularly peculiar, pathological "pud-sucker".

One such figure from the annals of history, was the seldom mentioned, little known, unheralded brother of a much celebrated, internationally famed, world wide adventurer. He, being none other than, the heroic, "Horacio Hornblower". Of whom, his pathological "pud sucker" brother, was the one who shamelessly responded to the name of "Fellatio Cockblower".

Apparently, the disastrously disdainful discrepancy in names, has been historically described, as having been a case of extensively varied genealogical donations to the brothers' perpetually perplexing "paternal inheritance".

Making matters worse, it was also preposterously purported that their posing puritanical mother, was in fact, a perilous port city's "pricey prostitute". Not to mention, that she also, was a pathological "pud-sucker".

However, her deplorably detestable disorder seemed to have doggedly developed into drastically devastating, destructive levels of doubly dangerous, deviancies and depraved damning desires.
This diabolical disease, is what disgustingly devised her direly dreadful dilemma, which dictated her devolutionary descent into a dismally diagnosed, damsel of disrepute. A pathetic, pathological
pud-sucking "puta".

However, she was graciously endowed with a plentiful pair of popular peeper pleasing, eye-popping, piping hot, make pappy happy, pleasure producing, pectoral protrusions of particularly praiseful proportions.

Yes indeed, and that plump pair of profusely pornographic, profitably poised, pointed paramount pinnacles. Were a couple of pristinely preserved, prime, pouting, preciously pampered, perky petting puppies. Of course, they were proudly premiered in a pompous parade of perfectly practiced, prancing processions with pendular pelvic proposals and a prissy pink pageantry of panties, polyester, platforms and perfume. These pronouncements in pasties, were prosperously persuasive in promoting a profoundly proclaimed promise of payable passion with the power to pull you free from your pestering plight.

Unfortunately though, they were also purported to have plowed pillars of patrons, now prostrated upon the pavement, pooling their pennies in potholes, while presuming propriety over piles from their peers, to be placed as payment for premium pie.


The conspicuously conceived continuation and carelessly created conclusion to this story, will be mindlessly manufactured for it's admittedly ambiguous availability in a positively pornographic and presumptuously propagated poetic, future posting.